On strength.

I am, to quote whomever, not the man I used to be.

When I met Jen in 1997, I was living in Spokane, Washington. I worked in a hotel downtown (the only organized facility in town that provided banquet facilities, btw: HERE was my first union.) delivering room service, 530am-130pm. It was a great job at the time. I'd ride my bike to work from the north side, deliver coffee to haggard and grateful pilots and be done by early afternoon with a pocket full of tips. I was about 235lbs, healthy and moderately happy, or as happy one would expect a 18-19 year old with family issues who reads a lot to be.

In retrospect, this was probably that carefree time everyone has and looks back on fondly.

Skipping to current day: I'm 6'9", and it's been 10 years since i've been able to keep my weight over 200lbs. It's gone as low as 162. That may not sound terribly low, but over a frame that size, it tends to stretch pretty thin. Caused by either nasty steroids, mood swings or just general bad temper, there's been numerous instances where i've ended up in conflict with total strangers in public....This, however has never led to any sort of fighting, as i always seem to scare people off. I have no pretenses that it's because i'd come out the good end if it came to blows; I know it's simply because i generally wear enough layers that i don't look too gaunt and i'm tall and dour enough to intimidate people as long as they don't know me.

Despite all that I, in, my own way, feel very secure in the idea that I am strong.

This past November or so, i finally conceded that I could no longer avoid getting a colonoscopy. Yes, i know. Important after you're 50 or so. True, unless you're 33 and live with ulcerative colitis. Anyway, i'd been avoiding this for months to years, but wanted to give my new gastroenterologist a honest shot, so in i went for it. I'm in the lucky 20% that respond to the most effective drug with worse symptoms, so I knew my condition wasn't great. I was shown his review notes afterward: Among things you never want to hear and people you never want to hear them from, it's the guy who did your scope, and his using phrases such as "completely burned out" and "exceptionally severe in its severity". Also mentioned my heightened risk for colon cancer, as they can generally screen for it by biopsy, but i'm too inflamed to safely take a sample without risking uncontrollable bleeding. I remember thinking, you know...What the fuck. How the hell did it come to this?

Then i went back to work the next day. It all sounded awful, but not terribly surprising.

Not surprisingly i suppose, this has been the consistent source of most of my problems. By May of last year, it landed me in my dr's office, hoping they could at least tell me why i was so tired. They got my blood work back and insisted upon calling an ambulance to transport me to the hospital. Directly across the street.

10 days later, after god knows how much in IV fluids and 11 units of blood transfused, i left feeling pretty  good. I was eating well, gaining weight, and looking forward to getting back to work soon. Early June, i went out for dinner, made a dash for the car in the rain, slipped and broke my femur. i clearly remember asking, between screams of blinding pain and much profanity, why this had to happen to me. Why everything else wasn't enough.

There is a reason. I may not be privy to it yet, but I believe firmly that there is one.

After 6 hours in the ER and 3 hours in surgery, i woke up in recovery rather disappointed that I was still in pain. I was moved into my home for the next 3 weeks at 11am the next morning, and after 15 minutes or so of aid and struggle, I got up and hobbled to the new bed.

This is one of the things I am most proud of. After seeing x rays at 10 thursday night of my leg broken so badly that the cleanly snapped ends were crossed at a 90 degree angle and undergoing emergency placement of an 18" rod to hold it all together, I was on my feet (ok, with a walker) the next day when Jen came by over lunch. It hurt like hell that day and for most of the 40 or so following, but when I left the rehab center 4 weeks later, i walked out.

There are many kinds of strength. I can't run a marathon, can't lift much more than my dog, but i know I can confront the absolute worst of circumstance, take the pain and get up the next morning.